You Want To What?
by redfox13
Summary: Beach? Harry and Draco? Who the heck planned this out? OneShot.


Disclaimer: JK Rowling is the genius behind the HP world. I'm just twisting it up a bit to keep myself amused.

Author: Jah, peoples seemed to like the other humor fic I did, so viola, you get another. Eh, I don't know if it turned out right though.

* * *

"You want to what?"

"Go to the beach and work on my tan." Harry supplied again, flexing his muscles.

"Why?" Draco groaned.

"Because I'm feeling peaky and I need to keep myself busy before I keel over and die." He replied.

"Peaky?" Draco demanded. "_Peaky_? Harry, you just drank three bottles of Pepper Up potion thinking it was a calming draught."

"_So_?" Harry lifted a brow. "What's your point?"

"You aren't feeling peaky, you're feeling perky."

Harry waved a dismissive hand. "Who cares?" He snorted. "When life gives you lemons make lemonade – and if it gives you sugar – all the better, make a lemonade stand."

"That makes no sense Harry." Draco said dully.

"It doesn't have to, I said it, therefore it is law."

"Right." The blonde conceded. "Now why can't we go somewhere besides the beach?"

"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it." Harry yawned.

Draco crossed his arms stubbornly. "I'm not going to the beach with you Harry, there's no point." He grimaced. "Plus I burn easily."

"Ah, but my dear Draco, you _are_ coming." Harry smiled benignly. "Because you love me."

"I don't think so Potter, don't you dare – "

----- 3 minutes and an Apparation later -----

"I can't believe I'm at the beach." Draco scowled.

"You love it, don't try to deny it." Harry smiled happily as he bounced along.

It was somewhat crowded at the muggle beach they were at. Sand was as far as the eye could see, and for Harry that wasn't very far seeing as he had left his glasses at home.

He had a pair of pink sunglasses on though and suntan lotion streaked across his nose and cheeks in a bright hue of blue.

Draco didn't seem to be as happy.

"I hate the bloody sand, I hate the stupid glasses you're wearing and I _definitely_ hate the sun." He growled, fingering his wand.

"Come on Draco, a day without sunshine is like – well – night." Harry chuckled. "It isn't fun!"

"You and I have a _very_ different idea of fun Harry." Draco snorted.

"Hey, can I wear your sunglasses?" Harry poked his firm shoulder.

Draco moved away from his touch and brushed off his arm. "You have your own, you can't have mine."  
"But everyone else has cool glasses!" Harry pulled at Draco's hand. "I want to wear yours."

"Too bad Potter."

"You know what I've always wondered?" Harry sighed in resignation.

"Why someone as beautiful as me has stooped so low as to date you?"

Harry waved a hand. "Besides that – and it's because you're a prick." He replied.

Draco glared. "_What_ do you wonder Potter, since you most likely won't shut up until I ask."

"If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?"

The blonde stared. "I don't know." He replied, glancing away.

"Well you should find out, you never know when that information could come in handy." Harry nodded seriously.

"I'll be sure to remember that." Draco sneered.

"If a man speaks, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?" Harry looked around the beach.

"You are always wrong Harry, no woman is needed." He pointed to himself. "As you can see."

"There!" The dark haired wizard pointed to an empty area. "We shall build camp there. And what are you trying to say, that you're the woman of this relationship?"

He walked away, dragging behind their towels and beach supplies. Draco stared at him for a few moments before he caught himself and cried out in indignation.

"How _dare_ you suggest that _I_ take it up the arse!" He chased after Harry with a little difficulty seeing as the sand sucked his ankles into its heat.

"Well don't you?" Harry sent a look over his shoulder.

"I-I…_no_!"

"Don't lie Draco." Harry teased. "I saw you sticking your wand up your – "

"Potter!" He snapped.

"Bum." Harry chuckled. "Bum – bum – bum!" He threw his head back and laughed. "Draco Malfoy likes to take it up the bum!"

They were receiving strange looks and Draco flushed as he caught up with his boyfriend and hit him over the head.

"Will you _shut up_!" He hissed desperately.

"Kiss me my Romeo." Harry swooned.

"Who the hell is Romeo?" Draco demanded, angrily grabbing Harry's arm. "Are you cheating on me?"

"It's a muggle story!" Harry whined and tried halfheartedly to escape the tightening hold.

Draco watched him suspiciously but released him nonetheless. "Fine."

Harry smiled happily and promptly flopped onto the sand. "Okay, this is where we'll stay." He patted the sand beside him. "Sit"

The blonde cast a disbelieving glance at the shorter wizard. "I don't think so, I'm not some barbaric _creature_ like you." He laid out his towel and situated everything just right before sitting.

Jade eyes flashed in amusement. "You are so anal." He grinned.

"Sod off." Draco sniffed arrogantly. "My skin does _not_ touch sand."

"_Anal_." Harry said in a sing-song voice.

"Shut it Potter, I'm thirsty, get me a drink." He ordered.

"Soda, coming up." Harry chirped.

He turned toward the ice chest they had brought – well – that _he_ had carried.

"Let's see, we have Pepsi, Sprite, er…Dr. Pepper? And something diet."

"Pepsi and Sprite." Draco replied shortly.

"Choose _one_."

"I don't want to." He glared. "I don't want it anymore anyway, you're being difficult."

"The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first." Harry said seriously. "So pick a soda Draco or I will for you."

"I don't _want_ to choose, I want both. I always get everything I want Potter, there will be no exception." Draco replied haughtily.

"You can't _have_ everything – where would you put it all?"

"In my bloody gorgeous arse." The blonde snorted.

Harry grinned and draped himself across his boyfriend's shoulders. "Aw, but then where would I put my humungous pr– "

"Stop right there Potter!" Draco spluttered, cheeks flushing pink.

_My humungous prick which you love oh so much!_

The tousled headed Gryffindor chortled happily and smacked a kiss onto a flushed cheek. "Luv ya Draco baby." He giggled and fell beside the Slytherin.

"I'm sure." Draco deadpanned; he wiped his cheek while glancing around. "Just don't make it so public."

"Don't you love me Draco?" Harry pouted and fisted a handful of burning sand.

Silver eyes rolled, humor shining. "I'm sure somewhere _deep_ – better yet – _extremely_ deep down I do."

"You're mean!" Harry cried and shoved his fist into Draco's pants.

The blonde screeched in pain as his… more _delicate_ areas were assaulted by the burning sand.

"Bet you love me now don't you!" Harry laughed madly. "Hot sand is so much better then ice cubes!"

"You bastard!" Draco howled and lunged to his feet, wildly shaking his swimming trunks.

"Dance my monkey, dance!" Harry cheered, throwing shells at his boyfriend.

"Will you _stop_ it!"

"Sit down then and you won't distract me as much." Harry retorted.

Draco fell onto his towel and grumbled darkly as he spread himself out on his back. Before they had come he had lathered himself with copious amounts of lotion, so he was well protected and smelling like sunblock.

"Hey I've got an idea!" The Gryffindor cheered.

"Oh joy." Was the bored response. "Anything thought up by you _has_ to be idiotic."

"Let's go swimming!" Harry laughed.

"No."

"Aw, come on." He whined.

"_No._"

"_Please_?" Harry pouted, bottom lip quivering.

Draco chuckled. "I love sunglasses, if I look into the sun I can't see you, isn't that amazing?"

"You suck Draco!" Harry cried and angrily stood.

"Only you Darling." He retorted with a sigh.

Harry snorted. "I'm sure."

He walked away and managed not to sink into the sand as he made his way to the water. The ground firmed under him and he steadied his footing as the tide rolled in.

"Gah, that's bloody cold!" He squealed as the sea water rushed over his toes.

He danced away from the moving foam and followed it as it drifted back into the ocean.

_She sells seashells by the seashore…_ He hummed happily.

"I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges." Harry mused as he stuck his foot into the chilled water.

_Cold – cold – cold, Merlin my prick will be the size of a toothpick if I get in this mess!_

"Hm, maybe Draco will play with me." _Oh, but I should surprise him._

He cackled evilly and climbed back toward their area. It was easily spotted with Draco's platinum head reflecting the bloody sun.

Harry grinned evilly as he began to sneak up on Draco's apparently sleeping form, kicking sand up the entire way.

"You're about as subtle as a flying brick." Draco muttered without moving. "Don't even try it."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Harry pouted. _How did he know?_

"Of course you don't. Move, you're blocking my sun."

_Stupid Slytherin, I thought he said he hated the sun. Stealing the cool sunglass and wasting all the suntan lotion, all he ever does is – _

"…Harry….you bloody prat….Harry!" Draco kicked him in the shin.

"I'm sorry, I just got lost in thought." Harry blinked. "It was unfamiliar territory."

"I bet." Draco growled as he now hovered over his soda. "You got sand everywhere."

"I'm not going to take your bloody drink Draco!" Harry snapped. _Anal little priss!_

The Slytherin sneered. "Well it's not like I can trust you now, you got sand all over our stuff. My _sandwich_ has _sand_ in it." He complained.

Harry snorted. "It's not like you were going to eat it anyway."

"Doesn't matter." He stuck his tongue out childishly.

Harry fell onto his back. "I'm going to go to sleep. You bore me."

"_I_ bore _you_?" Draco scoffed. "Harry Potter, _you_ are by far the most boring blah blah blah, blah blah…"

_Much better._ Harry chuckled.

"I know you're not listening to me, that blank look is enough to blah blah blah. But if you think I'm going to blah blah, you're seriously mistaken." Draco narrowed his eyes angrily.

_If I had a monkey…_

"Blah blah blah!"

_I would name him Bob._

"Bloody Gryffindors." Draco rolled his eyes.

"Finally gotten tired of talking to yourself?" Harry raised a brow.

Ignoring the insult, Draco rolled onto his stomach and poked Harry's head. "I want to do something fun."

Harry remained on his back, a thoughtful look now gracing his features. "You mean like sex?" He finally said.

"_No!_" Draco slapped him. "Something we can do here."

_Well duh._ "…You mean like sex?"

"Potter." He growled.

"Fine, why don't we make a sandcastle?" Harry suggested.

"I don't _play_ with _sand_." Draco scowled.

"Well then you have killed all of my fun." Harry retorted. "I don't like you, and neither do the voices in my head." _Kill him – kill him!_

"Entertain me." Draco persisted.

"Shhh... my brain's on overload, I'm sleeping." He closed his eyes and seemingly fell asleep.

"_Harry_."

"I'm out like a boner in sweat pants." Harry shifted. "Go away."

"You dragged me here, you had better stay awake." The Malfoy persisted.

…. …. ….

"Harry are you awake?" Draco poked the unmoving figure with the tip of his foot.

_Gone insane – leave some love._

Harry groaned as he rolled over. "I'm lost in the land of boredom...leave me alone." He muttered.

"Get up you stupid Gryffindor, I want to go." Draco nudged him harder. "Why don't you ever listen to me?"

"I do what my Cheerios tell me."

Silver eyes blinked owlishly. "What are Cheerios?"

"A muggle food." Harry sighed and rested on his back, squinting at the sun. "I wish I had some licorice right now."

"Why?"

"Because then I could choke you." He replied calmly. _No more whining then._

"Let's go." Draco repeated in a huffy voice.

"Fine, but I have to get everything organized." Harry relented and rose to his feet sleepily.

He gathered everything they had brought and put it in a large pile. _We didn't even make a sandcastle, bloody bastard._

"Dray, can you help me carry the stuff back to the Apparation point?" Harry sighed tiredly. "I think the potions are starting to wear off."

Draco smiled and hugged Harry. "Of course." He whispered in the wizard's ear. "But you owe me."

Harry yawned. "Yeah, I always owe you it seems." He pushed away from Draco. "Why can't you be normal and use your hand like all the other little wizards, you don't need me to help you jack off."

Draco grinned cockily. "Because I'm not normal and I'm certainly not little."

Harry laughed as he stood and walked away. "You keep telling yourself that Draco, someday someone will believe you I'm sure."

"_I_ believe it!" He called after the Gryffindor, he sniffed. "And so does Snape."

* * *

Author: Hm, I think I've calmed down now…  
-Red


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